The Final Insult

by UK American Sports Fans

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It’s that time again folks, for the summary of goings on in the NHL. This final installment encompasses the whole of the NHL Regular season 10-11. If this looks like a lot of stats to get through, don’t worry it’s not, and in case you’re still not convinced, I’ve broken it down into a little set of bullet points.

  • Vancouver win their division, the Western Conference and the League. Edmonton win nothing. Not even any pride. But they do get to feel a little heartened to see their name removed from both the Worst PP and Worst PK columns.
  • Vancouver also score the most goals, and concede the fewest. I mean, there’s winning and then there’s stomping your opposition into the dirt, simply because you can. New Jersey gave all their money to one player, and hoped he would propel them to the playoffs. Unfortunately, he didn’t, and he also didn’t score much either, as the Devils registered the fewest goals. Colorado leak goals like a rusty sieve…that got disintegrated by a nuclear attack, and now is just a handle. A rusty one. With holes in.
  • The old adage that being a physical team makes up for lack of skill turns out to be complete rubbish, as the Islanders register the most PIMs, but won nothing. Also, if there’s an adage that skill makes up for a lack of physical play, then that’s also rubbish, as the Panthers also won nothing. It’s also worth noting, incase any Islanders Management read this, that filling your team with utter douchebags also doesn’t win you anything. Least of all, hockey fans!
  • The Canucks work the best power play, and despite not taking many penalties, the Panthers are unable to capitalise on their man-advantage chances, with a pitiful success rate.
  • The Penguins pick up the best PK unit, and the Avs give up the most goals, but then, that’s not strictly limited to the PK as we’ve discussed.
  • San Jose like to shoot a lot, and it seems to work, as they finish top of the Pacific and 2nd in the West. Minnesota hold back too much, and pay for it. It seems there’s no bad thing can come from throwing the puck as the net at every available opportunity.
  • The Hurricanes are happy for you to take a pop at their goal, probably since they know Cam Ward is in net, so it’s maybe a fruitless effort to go anywhere near the Carolina goal. The Devils allow the least shots on their goal, but still manage to have a rubbish season and miss the playoffs. Surely that says something about the standard of goaltending in New Jersey, and not in a good way!
  • Corey Perry came from nowhere in the last stint of the season, and had a great finish, racking up 50 goals in total. The Sedin’s combined for the most and the 3rd most assists, as well as the most points overall for Daniel.
  • Zdeno Chara is on the ice a lot when Boston score, maybe because the opposition defensemen are too busy trying to keep away from hard objects like boards, stanchions and Zdeno Chara.
  • Konopka seems to think fighting is the way forward. Unfortunately, the rest of the Islanders listened to his inane rants, and both Haley and Gillies joined his way of thinking. It’s like the A-Team, but with all the violence the A-Team went out of their way to avoid…and much more facial hair.
  • Ovi, Buf, and Carter shoot the puck more often than anyone else, but yet aren’t in the top scorers list. Why? Because shooting the puck is good, as the Sharks can testify, but it appears that these three players are major skaters for their team, and maybe try to carry the team on their own too much?
  • Chicago relies a lot on Duncan Keith. So much so, that Keith has given up going back to the bench, as Quennville glares at him and shouts “What do you think you’re doing? If you want a drink, scrape up some snow off the surface…”
  • Cal Clutterbuck is the man to watch out for on the ice, and leads the NHL in hits. Luckily, it’s quite easy for many players to spot Clutterbuck, as he’s the player with the ridiculous facial hair, and even more ridiculous name.
  • The Islanders actually come out on top of the Shorthanded Goals list, with both Neilson and Grabner heading off the NHL. However, when you’re on the PK as often as the Isles are, then if they didn’t score shorties, they probably wouldn’t score.
  • Steckel is the man in the faceoff circle, whilst Stepan isn’t really a man at all, a circular one or otherwise. He once saw the film Face/Off with Nicholas Cage and John Travolta, and figured that made him qualified. He figured wrong.
  • Kovalchuk gives the puck away far too often, but then, he probably doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with that. After all, he can always cheer himself up by heading back to his house made of money, and lie on his money bed, or swim in his money pool, or drive his money car, which runs on rare and exotic birds of prey fed straight into the gas tank.
  • Chara is the tallest, which is no surprise, and Byfuglien and Boogaard are the heaviest (What?! No Kyle Wellwood?), but it appears Buffalo are now attempting to win a cup using paper-thin dwarves…
  • Recchi is too old to play hockey now. Even in the faceoff circles, Patrice Bergeron has to point Recchi in the right direction and tell him he’s late for the bus to make him dodder a long that little bit quicker.
  • Tim Thomas practically wins everything in all goalie categories, with only Luongo showing up with most wins, and Lundqvist with most Shutouts. However, there’s something to be said for a goalie who comes up with least goals conceded, and best save percentage, when your team doesn’t even win the most games, or score the most goals. There’s a strong defence in Boston kids, and it shows no signs of weakening.
  • DiPietro has unfortunately the dubious honour of being the goalie with the worst GAA in the league, for goalies playing over 20 games. However he can console himself with featuring in the best goalie fight of the year. That is, until someone fills in that 25 second gap from when Johnson was skating out of his crease towards centre ice, to coming round in the locker room and looking for half your jaw that appears to be AWOL. Let’s just hope Rick doesn’t Google his own name any time soon.

TEAMS

Points
MOST – Vancouver Canucks (117)
LEAST – Edmonton Oilers (62)

Points Percentage (percentage of points gained from points available)
MOST – Vancouver Canucks (.713%)
LEAST – Edmonton Oilers (.378%)

Goals
MOST – Vancouver Canucks (258)
LEAST – New Jersey Devils (171)

Goals Conceded
MOST – Colorado Avalanche (287)
LEAST – Vancouver Canucks (180)

Penalty Minutes
MOST – New York Islanders (1515) 71x Major 31x Misc 11x GMisc
LEAST – Florida Panthers (716) 26x Major 1x Misc 1x GMisc

Power Play
BEST – Vancouver Canucks (24.3%)
WORST – Florida Panthers (13.1%)

Penalty Kill
BEST – Pittsburgh Penguins (86.1%)
WORST – Colorado Avalanche (76.1%)

Shots
MOST – San Jose Sharks (2832)
LEAST – Minnesota Wild (2148)

Shots Against
MOST – Carolina Hurricanes (2725)
LEAST – New Jersey Devils (2152)

PLAYERS

Goals
Perry (ANA) 50
Stamkos (TBL) 45
Iginla (CGY) 43

Assists
H.Sedin (VAN) 75
St Louis (TBL) 68
D.Sedin (VAN) 63

Points
D.Sedin (VAN) 104
St Louis (TBL) 99
Corey Perry (ANA) 98

+/-
BEST – Chara (BOS) +33
WORST – Phillips (OTT) -35

PIM
Konopka (NYI) 307 inc 25x Major 10x Misc 2x GMisc
Neil (OTT) 210 inc 12x Major 7x Misc 1x GMisc
Peckham (EDM) 198 inc 10x Major 6x Misc 1x GMisc

Shots
Ovechkin (WSH) 367
Byfuglien (ATL) 347
Carter (PHI) 335

Time On Ice per Game
Keith (CHI) 26.53min
Boyle (SJS) 26.14min
Bouwmeester (CGY) 25.59

Hits
Clutterbuck (MIN) 336
Ruutu (CAR) 309
Brown (LAK) 300

Shorthanded Goals
Nielson (NYI) 7
Grabner (NYI) 6
Prust (NYR) 5
Marchand (BOS) 5

Faceoff Percentage
BEST
Steckel (NJD,WSH) 62.3%
Malhotra (VAN) 61.7%
Gaustad (BUF) 59.8%
WORST
Stepan (NYR) 38.5%
Cogliano (EDM) 41.6%
Hecht (BUF) 43.1%

Giveaways
Kovalchuk (NJD) 104
Thornton (SJS) 98
Schenn (TOR) 95

Takeaways
Thornton (SJS) 114
Toews (CHI) 93
Byfuglien (ATL) 85

Height
TALLEST – Chara (BOS) 81”
SMALLEST – Gerbe (BUF) 65”

Weight
HEAVIEST – Byfuglien (ATL) 265lbs / Boogaard (NYR) 265lbs
LIGHTEST – Ennis (BUF) 157lbs

Age
OLDEST – Recchi (BOS) Born Feb 1st 1968
YOUNGEST – Niederrieter (NYI) Born Sept 8th 1992

GOALIES

Save Percentage (more than 20 games played)
BEST – Thomas (BOS) .938%
WORST – Conklin (STL) .881%

Goals Against Average (more than 20 games played)
BEST – Thomas (BOS) 2.00
WORST – DiPietro (NYI) 3.44

Wins (more than 20 games played)
MOST – Luongo (VAN) 38 (Played 60 Started 60)
LEAST – Gustavsson (TOR) 6 (Played 23 Started 21)

Shutouts
Lundqvist (NYR) 11 Played 68
Thomas (BOS) 9 Played 57
Price (MTL) 8 Played 72