There’s girls in them thar hills
It had been a whole seven months since I had reviewed a new sport! How very lax of me. It was all because I found out there WAS no professional tiddlywinks league in North Shields and I was disillusioned for a while, but fear not: I intend to remedy the situation by telling you all about a trip to a roller derby bout in Walker. Who knew I would ever speak those words?
For those of you not familiar with the Tyne and Wear area, let me describe Walker for you. You know that feeling when you’re in the middle of describing your drunken weekend exploits to your office colleages, complete with actions and relevant colourful language, and your boss walks in? That cold, deathly feeling as all the air leaves the room, like the life has been sucked out of it? Welcome to Walker. It’s a happiness vacuum. And it’s one of those places where regardless of the exterior temperature, you close your car windows and lock down the doors, and pray you don’t run over a well-placed rock in the road before reaching your final destination.
Yes, it’s a joy to behold, as is the not-very-aptly-named Lightfoot Centre that has landed within the Walker area like a prop UFO from a 70’s sci-fi B movie, its corrugated tin domed exterior as much a highlight of the local area as it would be a blot on the landscape of any more average residential neighbourhood. We entered the building with more than a little trepidation and discussed the distinct possibility that roller derby could be a front for the Scientologist rally it seemed more likely would be taking place in such a peculiar architectural wonder.
More impressive then our surroundings once seated in the auditorium; the domed ceiling concealed a wooden roof within it reminiscent of an old-fashioned American sports hall and it was surprisingly packed to the rafters with numerous fans of women on roller skates (well, who wouldn’t be one?). The event was inventively but somewhat mystifyingly for us novices named ‘Sweet Home Alajammer’. We took our seats in the balcony area just in time for the B team bout, which featured the second string skaters from the competing sides, Newcastle Roller Girls and Leicester’s Dolly Rockit Rollers. Prior to the competition there was a cute skit in which the girls faced off, Wild West style, before the action began.
Helpfully, the announcer kindly explained the rules of roller derby before the bout kicked off, which was useful as I hadn’t a clue what to expect other than a vague memory of the goings-on in that film ‘Whip It’ with that girl what was really good in Juno and Drew Barrymore being quite scary. As I later discovered there was also a handy section in the front of the programme explaining things more clearly. As an aside I’d like to compliment the girls on the quality of the programme itself, which contained collections of photos of all the participants and was also free – a nice touch.
So roller derby then. Let’s cover the basics. It’s played by women. On roller skates. Wearing hotpants and tights and named a variety of menacing and/or amusing tongue-in-cheek things such as Penelope Hitstop, Whippi Longstocking and Bettie Basher. Oh, and there’s an awful lot of jam.
Photo reproduced courtesy of Idene Roozbayani
The rules then? In short, there are five team members in play at any one time. Four of them are essentially there to block, and one is the points-scorer or ‘jammer’ (see I told you there was a lot of jam), who tries to get around the track and pass as many of the opposing team members as possible ahead of the opposing teams’ jammer, ably assisted by the pack and hindered as much as possible by the opposing team’s pack. Are you with me? It sounds simple enough – bordering on basic even – but throw in some frenetic hand signals, some hilarious hip-checking and shoulder barges, plenty of American-style line changes and the distraction of the various outfits on display and you realise there’s a lot more to roller derby than just a selection of slightly terrifying women with wheels strapped to their feet.
The B team brawl seemed a bit all over the place but in reality I think it was a combination of new team members finding their feet in the sport and new spectators with less than a speck of a clue to rub together about what was going on that probably caused the confusion. OK, maybe a slight hangover and the pounding dance music in my ears may also have had something to do with it. It’s a lively atmosphere, that’s for sure. All in all, it gave me a sort of warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach, once again not knowing what the hell was going on at a sport to which I was a spectator. Ah, happy memories.
Sadly for the home team, Leicester’s Free Birds won the B team bout. The main event followed shortly afterwards. In the break we admired the Newcastle Roller Girls’ A team, the Canny Belters, dressed to the nines in smart black uniforms with various adornments and war paint, running a rather impressive looking warm-up before taking to the track for a pre-bout skate. There was a similarly well-staged Wild West-themed pre-game skit and then the stand-off commenced.
The difference in quality was plain and some of the skaters had real finesse and quite a turn of pace. We started to grasp the rules and it became more exciting as the contest unfolded. The first period went in favour of the visitors, their jammer, Gob Stop’her, one of the fastest skaters of the day, racking up lots of points and leaving the Canny Belters trailing at half time. The whole thing was quite well-orchestrated and we started to grasp the tactical plays which were more subtle than you might imagine from a group of women trying to barge each other off their feet with their hips. The blockers (is that the right word, I’ve already forgotten?!) work as a team, moving collectively to obstruct the opposing jammer and then seamlessly dropping away to let their own jammer pass. I even witnessed girls using each other as weapons, launching one another into opposing players to clear them from the track to make way for their jammer. Nice!
This girl means business. So does the other one. You’d better watch out!
Photo reproduced courtesy of Idene Roozbayani
The guys get involved too, taking roles as referees, coaches and announcers, and it seems that soon there will even be an opportunity for them to get their skates on and take part in an all-male version of the sport, rather disturbingly named ‘merby’. I’ll be intrigued to see how that one turns out.
In terms of interestingly named sections of gameplay, I was thankful to find that a ‘powerjam’, rather than being a particularly concentrated variety of fruit preserve designed to give extra kick to your breakfast croissant, was actually something I could latch onto rules-wise, reminiscent as it is of the ice hockey powerplay, in which the opposition lose their jammer to a penalty allowing the other jammer to have free reign and rack up as many points as possible. In the second period we (ooh, get me getting all possessive of another Newcastle team!) made the most of the powerjam opportunities when they arose, and we closed the gap on the Dolly Rockit Rollers and eventually took the lead. Impressive jamming displays from amongst others Marie Bayonet and Hot Whips, and Von Sleaze with an unrivalled 21 point jam put the Canny Belters in the driving seat and we showed up our opponents’ lack of strength in depth. They relied heavily on their one – admittedly excellent – jammer, but she tired towards the end and lost her legs, unable to pick up many additional points and the Newcastle Roller Girls went on to claim a 107-83 victory.
So to re-cap: Women. On skates. In hotpants. With awesome names. Using each other as weapons. Hmm. I most definitely approve. On reflection, who wouldn’t want to attend a sport that actually has first aiders on hand at all times? It certainly gave me the bug and I will be swapping my ice skating blades for skates of the four-wheeled variety to see what the fuss is all about. I can’t deny the thought of facing up against some of the more amply-thighed ladies fills me with a slight sense of dread, but hey, I’ve got a canny pair of hips on me myself so hopefully I’ll give as good as I get. Oh and I won the raffle! I never win anything!
So if you fancy any and/or all of the above get yourselves down to the depths of Walker in the near future. It’s dark, it’s dangerous, and it rocks a fine collection of short shorts. And clearly I don’t just mean the questionable local area! See the Newcastle Roller Girls website for further information on upcoming bouts and getting involved! Do it NOW!
http://newcastlerollergirls.co.uk/
Now I’m off to crawl back under the rock I came from and lie dormant for another few weeks until the inaugural Whitley Bay Hamster Wheel Demolition Derby. See you there!
